Have you had a moment where you sit down for a lovely dinner with your partner? All of a sudden, they say that thing, you know that thing just erks you? The hairs go up in your arms and you can feel your heart beating faster. Your mind takes over and you feel feel your skin crawling. Yup that’s right, your partner just “triggered” you. This trigger is yours and you have to own it. For anyone who has ever seen the movie inside out, this is an excellent example of how your emotions get stored in your brain and body. You have memories as a child and your body experiences an emotional reaction. The brain registers this moment and stores it. All of these moments add up to a person’s life experience and how they perceive the world. Triggers are created when you have pivotal moments in life where your brain said, “danger” and there was no safety to be found. If your brain finds itself in a similar place again, your brain and body go straight back to this scary place. Once the memory and emotion have been experienced, it has now created a new pathway to see the world through this lens. So today we will go over three simple steps to improve your intimate relationship.
Step 1. Self-awareness: We need to recognize what is causing us discomfort. What did your partner say, look they give, or gesture that set you off? Recognize what happens inside of you. I like people to get inside their bodies and out of their heads. This can help with changes in processing.
Step 2. Express the emotion: When someone becomes triggered, they want to play back the tape and try to see who was doing what and who is “right”. I have never found this method to be effective in communication. Dig deep inside and pinpoint what emotion you’re experiencing and share this with your partner. When you said this, it was hurtful for me. Hurt is a universal feeling, so even if they don’t get the “situation” they can understand someone feeling hurt. It is important to get back to basics.
Step 3. Practice: I add this piece because I believe any change we make takes time to become a new way of communication. This means giving yourself the practice to recognize what is happening inside of yourself and second getting comfortable expressing it with your partner. Continue this work and eventually, you can undo any negative cycles that you find yourself in with your current partner.